Have you ever been in a war, with your body, well I am, and it sucks, I’m  done, I don’t know what to do to win this war, they tell me I will fight this war forever so I have to fight for the rest of my life, but I fear that my body will loose this fight in the end, and what will my family do without me in the end..


My family?…I try to prepare them for the end, but they don’t to listen to me, but my end will come before we think, do I think it’s tomorrow no but it will come soon enough, I want them to understand that life will continue without me and they will survive and that they will thrive, how do I get them to listen to me.

The one thing I’m happy about is I’m teaching them how to fight, I’m fighting so hard for my life, I hate chemo and I so don”t want to go on Tuesday’s but yet there I am every Tuesdays fighting for them, because I don’t what to leave them yet, I hope they see this. I hope they feel this, I hope they believe this.

Hope is all I have for them so I hope they feel it, they get tired of me telling them about my hope for them so I stopped but they need to understand that the feeling will never stop and never will the belief for them, that’s all I have to get me thru this life don’t they understand that.

I’m trying to understand it myself but how can I when I’m dying how do I accept that I mean really, they tell you, you have 2 years to live how do you accept that and tell your family that, I mean I told them, but how do they accept it with no hesitation no anger, no pain,  you don’t, I mean their rock their only person who has been there thru life is going to die, going to loose this war….in the end.Cancer will win.