Who is this person looking in the mirror, it’s suppose to be me, but I honestly don’t recognize this person, its not me, I remember having long thick hair, bright eyes, color in my cheeks, will in my face, now all I see is this person who is lost in the abyss of life loosing herself and there is nothing she can do but say GOODBYE! 

One day I have a gleam or hope that there will be me looking back, but it is sharply struck down with a glimpse in the wrong direction we like to call vexation…

I always have hope to live another day, but that is not the worry that lies on me, but rather, how will my life be lived?

I mean just think about that question, did you think about it? It’s not about just being alive, the feeling of  life passing through my lips as I inhale and exhale, it’s not how many friends I acquire, it’s not about the money in my bank account or the jeiwels that I adore my body with….

Looking the mirror reminds me of what is real, washing my hair reminds me of the changes my body is going through that I honestly don’t want to face, but I’ll be damned I am forced to face it on the daily..trying to eat a whole meal is like looking for neverland , looking down at my hand to see the dry and cracked skin, they are to the point that they peel and throb the reality is harsh and I have to face it, I would love to close my eyes too this reality and wake from this nightmare within my body.

Nightmares are overrated, and I’m ready to get off this ride any day now, as I look in the mirror I try so desperately to recognize the pale living being looking back at me, this view of my life is not always bright, I miss seeing the sun, as the rays rest over my skin ever so slightly heating my soul and warming my heart, the warm wind ever so softly flows through my thinning hair, feeling the cool blades of grass under my toes, smelling amiable flowers or the ability of sapid.

My life is changing, my life has changed, I want my life back, but at this point is that even possible, I don’t know, what I  do know is that I must get to the point where I can say Goodbye and be okay with it, not sad or mad, just lost. I must learn to walk down this path of darkness, with my head held high and not look back for the old me for I believe she is gone, this is the new me.

The me now is lost on how to process this new life, I don’t think I do, I think I just live day by day, and I honestly don’t think  it has hit me that I have Stage 4 Appendix Cancer, seriously how can I, no I don’t have it, they misdiagnosed me, I don’t feel sick , I feel good the only thing that brings me down is the CHEMO….man that shit SUCKS!!!!!!! that is what makes me sick, not cancer.

How am I to live with something that I don’t believe is within me.

I have so much to voice a Hello to, how am I to have the audacity to articulate a Goodbye.